Immediate Help

If You're Not Sure

If you are not sure how to think about what happened

Sex is Fun; Rape is a Crime. That bold statement sets the ends of the continuum of consent and coercion on which sexual activity is experienced. Sex should feel good, mutual, intimate. When it doesn't, people sometimes don't know how to define it. When the experience falls on the coercion/abuse side of the continuum people are reluctant to call it rape or sexual violence unless it happened on a dark street with a stranger. If you feel bad, taken advantage of or abused, you should take these feelings seriously even if you don't know what label to put on the experience.

Confusion is a common response to an unexpected event. You did not intend or expect the situation to end with you feeling uncomfortable, bad or taken advantage of. It may take some time to process the unexpected, and possibly violent, turn of events. Accept your confusion as natural and pay attention to your other feelings and responses.

Many people minimize the significance of an event and minimize the strength of their emotional response when something bad happens to them. In a way this can be an adaptive strategy, but it also can make it more difficult to deal with what happened. Be careful not to dismiss your feelings of discomfort too quickly.

You may also be concerned that your decisions and actions contributed to the bad outcome and worry that it's your fault. You are right in taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions, but you are not responsible for the actions of the other person, nor are you in any way "deserving" of what happened to you.

If in your gut you feel that something "bad" or "wrong" happened and that you feel uncomfortable, hurt, angry, etc. then you need to take this gut awareness seriously. It is a fallacy that people over report sexual assault. In fact it is one of the most under reported crimes. Seek out someone who can help you process your thoughts and feelings so you can fully deal with what happened. A counselor, clergy member, health professional, family member or trusted friend may help you in this process.

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